By Ross Barkan
The Stony Brook Freethinkers are actually an otter-worshiping orthodox Christian choir collective, Stony Brook Press authorities have learned.
According to papers obtained from Freethinker headquarters, the supposedly atheist and deist members profess their love of God on both a spiritual and sexual level. In addition to worshipping the classic Judeo-Christian god, Freethinkers worship Zeus, Ares, “Ape Jesus,” Vishnu, “Reggie the Otter Princess,” Ivan Ooze, Voltron, Mecha-Godzilla, The Game, and an assortment of other deities. Rituals of worship include blood sacrifices, tribal dancing, computer gaming, anal glazing, and detonating small-scale I.E.Ds behind a macaroni and glue mural of former television star, Henry Winkler.
“Yeah, I’ll be honest, we love religion,” said Freethinker High Priestess/Whale Sacrificer Nikolai Meaton. “Christianity is still pretty dumb. But you really haven’t lived until you’ve chanted Abalah Crackablack to the Wizard Lion King Lucius.”
Meaton and others claimed to have gathered every Friday to discuss a myriad of religious and philosophical matters. Purported discussion topics have ranged from organized religion’s parasitic influence on society to the feasibility and morality of gun control. Press wire-tapping has since revealed that the entire organization was a front for a homosexual Christian/Pagan choir collective and recreational softball team.
“Softball was fun. We played a few games in the room,” said a Freethinker member who asked not to be identified. “But then (name withdrawn) pulled down his pants and strung those feathers around his (anatomy withdrawn) and shit got really fucked up. I mean, we have to appease the Winter Solstice Gerbils so the harvest can be bountiful, but come on, you don’t need that many feathers.”
What makes these revelations so surprising in the eyes of the community is the Freethinkers’ expressed militancy against organized religion. Posters were hung around campus that read, “No God. No Problem,” leading the Stony Brook citizens to believe the Freethinkers would be a gathering of atheist intellectuals. Instead, they are god-lusting gay psychopaths.
“This is a more common phenomenon than you would be led to believe,” said Bainbridge O’Fargus, Director of Depraved Occult Studies at Yale University. “Many ‘Freethinkers’ groups throughout the country are actually cover-ups for individuals who love religion immensely. In fact, I conducted a study at Yale in 2006 that concluded 93% of so-called secular-humanists are actually conceited, insecure douchebags who really like to paint rocks with their own blood.”
He added, “I’m one myself!”
Authorities believe the Freethinkers would have maintained their cover had they not began choir practice so soon after acquiring a discussion room. The noise elicited complaints from neighboring clubs. After the third week of bizarre gospel music penetrating the Student Union hallways, University Police Officer Mitch Sexton was called in to investigate. Shaken witnesses remembered blood oozing under the door’s threshold and a haunting a capella rendition of the theme from “Three’s Company.”
“I’ve been on the force a long time. I can tell you, I’ve seen some crazy things in my day. But I’ve never walked in on…” Sexton pauses for a lengthy period of time, “…such a fucked up hodgepodge of, well, I can really only describe it as a rat zoo. A goddamn, 100%, veritable rat zoo. I just held up my badge and told them all to leave. My wife still doesn’t believe me.”
Press wire-tapping of the Freethinker phone line only confirmed Sexton’s observations. Meaton and his minions could not deny their heinous and absurd actions any longer. One three-way phone conversation between an unidentified Freethinker member, a Queens, New York cocaine dealer, and a Little Debbie Snack Cakes representative shed light on a confectionary-based plot to fuel enough chaotic bloodshed in the Wang Center to appease the Norse trickster god Loki. Junior Zaz Gilbert was discovered locked in a closet in the Freethinker room with a Boggle game glued to his forehead. The sobbing Gilbert told authorities the Freethinkers believed the child’s game, when attached to a human, could channel Mecha-Godzilla’s ghost from the cyborg marshlands in the heavens. This could unleash what was only described as “The Curdling.”
And most disturbing of all is the weekly Ethiopian mongoose dance. Witnesses say it is neither Ethiopian nor a dance.
“I thought about going to the meeting so I was walking by the door,” said Sophomore Ben Milgromstein. “I opened the door and saw a bunch of Freethinkers, maybe 20, holding hands in a circle. They had their faces painted and seemed to be playing capture the flag. Except the flag was a goat. And they weren’t capturing it, per se. They were caressing it with butter. I honestly don’t remember much else because a guy then beat me unconscious with a Wii controller.”
Some Freethinkers remain resolute, even in the face of such staggering allegations. Radical Freethinker Donny Mazzi maintains the Freethinkers did nothing wrong and hate God as much as ever.
“I’m still a hard-core atheist,” said Mazzi. “See, look at my t-shirt. It says ‘Thank God I’m an Athiest.’ Get it? Get it? I bet you don’t, you god damn religious sheep. I’m such a progressive thinker. I can arrogantly impose my worldview on others as if it was absolute fact with colorful, pseudo-clever and wholly pretentious clothing. As long as I have my rare Richard Dawkins soap dish and napkin dispenser, my faith in no higher power will remain strong.”
Authorities later arrested Mazzi on five counts of vehicular manslaughter after he crashed a flaming tricycle into the SAC.
Mazzi was overheard screaming “Ape Jesus 2012!”