By Alex H. Nagler

In the wake of the disorganization seen on campus after the alleged Pizza Gunman, Stony Brook University has spent money to develop a siren alert system to be used in case of any emergency. This system had its first test run on a Saturday morning, April 26 at 11:45 am. Signs were posted for the duration of the week, informing the student body that this test would occur and that they would not be roused out of their sleep by any alien invaders intent on destroying man, having gotten lost on their way to the Empire State Building.

When 11:45 finally rolled around, the alarm sounded. Normally, alarms are fierce beasts whose job it is to inform those listening that something is afoot. They normally ring out proudly, declaring their intent, and sometimes force people to damper their ears out of possible pain. This alarm system, not so much. Despite the fact the university’s website declares “the siren tone is separate and distinct from that of local fire departments,” it differs in the fact that it’s lame and fire engine sirens are cool.

The sole time this alarm would ever come in handy would be if the campus were to ever be attacked by Storm Troopers under the command of Darth Vader. Then, the siren would fit right in. The once-puny wail would become the rallying cry for the Ewoks that inhabit the forest between Psych A and Psych B. There is a reason those building have automatic door locks, after all. The Ewoks would certainly rally behind the noise of the siren, reminiscent of their war drums from Endor, and take on whatever Imperial foe has attacked their adopted home.

Meanwhile, President Kenny would be revealed to be none other than the dark Sith master, Darth Shirlius, bent on taking over the University Senate and appropriating even more money to sports and recreational projects. Operating from her fortress within the bowels of LaValle Stadium, the Ewoks would have to steal some of the land speeders the Storm troopers were using to monitor the academic mall.

While the Ewoks would eventually vanquish the Dark Lord Shirlius and her disciple, Darth Little, the University would like to take this time to remind all readers of the SOS system. In case of a situation in which the alarm is sounded, the following three steps should be taken:

S   SCREAM       Everybody panic. If it isn’t ICON weekend, any storm troopers present could be something other than pathetic virgins cosplaying. Natural disasters are reasons to scream too. So are gunmen, pizza theft, and ice cream.

O  OBFUSCATE.             Nothing in this university is ever explained clearly as it is. Why not take the time to make things worse than they already are and deliberately state false information to your friends? The more malicious, the better!

S   STOP, HAMMER TIME.                         You can’t touch this.

Only when you hear the all-clear sign should you stop dancing. Until then, keep listening for that siren. You never know when the Jawas will strike.

Alex H. Nagler is being chased by constables with sticks, which is the other thing that siren sounds like.